This has remained untouched for so long that it feels like time to bid it adieu. Swenny and I have come to the soft landing for which I have long wrote, but for which I had all but lost hope. And which I have hesitated to acknowledge.
Sobriety can be fleeting; a lesson I learned the hard way. Along with knowing that all it takes to relapse is a moment of believing that it couldn’t happen. At least not again. And when statistics show that only one in ten people with alcoholism ever achieve long term recovery, confidence becomes an enabler of believing that your alcoholic is the one. Being bold enough to say so out loud only invites relapses that worsen in their severity and consequences, placing recovery further and further out of reach.
Still, I am here. In a state of believing, that is becoming one of certainty, that it is finally over. Swenny is sober. In less than a month, he will celebrate one year. Next, he will celebrate two. Then three, four and someday five. Eventually, his sober anniversaries will be counted in decades not years. Along the way, the attendees of his twice weekly 12-step meetings will come and go as they seek their own happy endings. Steadfast members like him will hold space for the new guys who bring stories all their own, nodding with appreciation for arcs that parralel theirs, indistinguishable sans the timestamps, places, and players in the memories they are missing.
I used to come here to line with words the path I wanted us to follow. Too often, though, I’d find us off course, only to reset, discouraged. So when I lost my words, I stopped. Swenny found them, and is now leading the way without misstep. When I wasn’t ready to hear his amends, he found new ways to make them. Not with words, but with his complete and unintoxicated presence. And when I needed space, he gave that instead.
One evening, though, he sought me. I was lying down after a long day, and when he found me, he laid next to me and asked, “What have I missed?”
This year’s love had better last. I’ve been waiting on my own too long. ~ David Gray
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