Christmas fell away quickly. The house emptied of my children and Swenny, and the blanket of presents beneath the tree went with them. Without errands to run and gifts to wrap, my attention took me home. It is disquieting to be here alone, especially after spending two days functioning as a family with only one front door.
Aloneness, though, is what I need most. Not as a state of being, but as a place to be. Where I am unreachable except by my own expectations. Where I am closed away from responsibility for the assumptions of others about what would make my life good. Where I don’t need another disappointment to confirm the importance of my own happiness. Where I can let go of my share in Swenny’s alcoholism.
For a moment today, I had time to spend. So I silenced my calls and shut my eyes. I woke up wanting to make room for something else.
Even in the quietest moments I wish I knew what I had to do. ~ Supertramp
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