Fix You

It has always been my dream to grow old with Swenny. And as confusing as it is for everyone other than us, separation hasn’t changed that. With disregard for the expectations of others about how a marriage should be unwound, we are going about it the only way we know: together.

Legally, Swenny’s and my parting of ways is simple – in a court of law, we are joint petitioners with no minor children in agreement on all points relating to the matter of our marriage. And its dissolution.

Outside of the courthouse, though, we are two parts of a marriage with equity worth protecting. Separating has taken us down paths that are parallel instead of divergent. Where we travel in pursuit of a soft landing for the other. And where alcoholism threatens to take us off course. Yet again.

Since filing last month, an ultrasound prompted by elevated liver enzymes and low platelet counts found in him an enlarged liver and spleen, cirrhosis and a single nodule. While Swenny prepares to meet with a liver specialist, I am trying to demand my way into his appointment.

Without the leverage of an unwavering spouse, though, he’s not welcoming me in. So I need to draw on the equity we have so carefully built to change his answer from no to yes. I wish he wanted me there. But mostly, I wish he needed me there as much as I need to be.

Please consider us on Wednesday. And if you struggle with an addiction to alcohol, consider also the permanency of your drinking scars. And know that some are irreversible.

Lights will guide you home. ~ Coldplay