The End

My name is Cher and my husband is an alcoholic.

Four years ago, with those words, I started this blog. And with those words, I am putting it to rest.

What was meant to be chapters of a story with a happy ending became a series of interchangeable essays of relapse, action, hope, and disbelief. With each post, I held open the door for the next, expecting that my good manners and optimism would be rewarded with a change of course toward recovery.

Instead, we landed on a track with hurdles that we didn’t anticipate, the highest being our separation and his advanced liver disease. Others, like the daily consequences of continued drinking, we cleared regularly. Not out of ease but out of practice. Still others remain stacked in an unused lane, sized up with deference to their seriousness; their finality.

The biggest hurdle, now, though, is guilt. Mine for leaving and his for letting me.

The other night in a phone call, we talked about what’s next. Alcoholism won, I told him. Even with knowing that nine times out of ten it does, I held on believing that we would be the exception. Unable to make it come true, we concede.

My name is Cher and my husband is an alcoholic. This was our story.

Heaven, help me now. Heaven, show the way. ~ The Lumineers

14 thoughts on “The End

  1. George McNeill says:

    To you and Swenny I’d like to share these words for John O’Donohue.

    May there be kindness
    In your gaze
    When you look within.
    May you never place walls
    between the light
    and yourself.
    May your angel free you
    from your prisons
    of guilt, fear, disappointment
    and dispair.
    May you allow the wild beauty
    of the invisible world
    to gather you,
    mind you,
    and embrace you
    in belonging.

    George ♥️☘️

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Addy says:

    Don’t say goodbye finally. You never know whether, like it has been for me, the blog may be a crutch, a diary to look back on, when you are way further into the future. I am so sorry things have come to this, but, as you rightly say, alcoholism always wins nine times out of ten. Look up the various stages of grief. I feel you are going through them yourself. Grief for a relationship you once had and a man you once loved. You will come through this, stronger and more independent. Take it one day at a time, keep busy and hold your head up high. You did all you could. Only Swenny held the cards. He has ruined his life, but please don’t let him ruin yours. Sending ((((hugs))))

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Kate says:

    Best wishes on your future journey. As the sister of an alcoholic I have some idea of the difficulty of the roads you have had to navigate. There are no easy answers.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nelson says:

    Please do stay in touch…And, it’s ironic that your husband had you and your undying support. I’m certian that if I didn’t live alone and had someone like you behind/beside me, I would have been long free of this beast. Fate. Take good care….(((hugs))))💜

    Liked by 1 person

  5. clairei47 says:

    Sending love and so many prayers your way. I hope you don’t say goodbye for good but wishing happiness for you at some point. I am so sorry it could not be the one time out if ten. Claire xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. limetwiste says:

    Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry it hasn’t gone the way you had hoped it would.
    Don’t say farewell. Please rest and look after yourself. You have had the weight of the world on your shoulders.
    Cherish the good moments.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jim Simmonds says:

    Hi Cher
    I was absent from blogging until fairly recently so missed this post. I am really sorry to hear what you had to say. I feel for you, you have given your all to help Swenny, that came shining through so do not please feel any guilt. Sadness yes, loss yes, but not guilt. I’d like to think you might rethink ending your blog. Yours is an important voice, and certainly helped and resonated for me. Also you need and deserve support. Come back. Please 💐x Jim

    Liked by 1 person

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