The Darkest Night

Last evening, Swenny was terminated as a result of his alcoholism.  I was surprised, while expecting this all along.

I knew his drinking had escalated.  Rather than searching for hidden bottles, they were finding me, appearing as if from nowhere.  After bringing one inside that I uncovered while taking out the trash, I could see his eyes searching for the memory of placing it there, unable to connect his hide with my seek.

The meeting intended for earlier this summer was finally called, with his bosses, recovery mentor and me.  He knew what to expect after being asked to take a breathalyzer early in the day, to prove his bosses wrong after they smelled alcohol.  He failed, but was prepared to debate the level of alcohol in his system, below what is considered intoxication.  Mainly because he managed to procrastinate for more than 5 hours in order to deplete his level.  Cleared on a technicality, he hoped to stay.

Again, he was missing the point.  He did not meet the expectations for his second chance – complete sobriety, and at the very least, sobriety at work.  He deliberately tried to deceive the people who had sought to help him, the very people rooting for his successful recovery for more than three years.  And I was the last to know, finding out in an early evening phone call from his boss that we needed to meet.  Audibly shaken, he told me how the day unfolded, leaving him with no other choice than to fire my husband.

Racked with sorrow for his predicament, and anger for the position he has put us in, I found my way to bed later than usual.  Exhausted but unable to sleep, I finally dozed off to the feeling of being inside of a jar.  As the lid was lifted, only darkness was let in.  Moving further up toward the stars, there was no light to be found.  Under a high canopy of night, I fell asleep realizing that I am afraid of the dark.


6 thoughts on “The Darkest Night

  1. George McNeill says:

    I always found the dark like an express way to thought and emotions, a time when the eyes can’t see so the mind runs faster. But like driving on an express highway you have to pull off and have a break or the risk of something serious happing in creases. Find another driver even for a short while and take a coffee break. With the mind and body rested another stint at the wheel could lead to new roads. Compassion and strength to you both.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. denniscardiff says:

    Reblogged this on Gotta Find a Home: and commented:
    For the 24 years of our marriage, he has struggled with sobriety. I have supported him, enabled him, left him, welcomed him home and worry now that I will lose him. He simply cannot find his way with this, and I no longer know how to help.


  3. denniscardiff says:

    Cher, my heart goes out to you and Swenny. My father, brother and nephew were alcoholic. My niece was addicted to cocaine and her husband to heroin. As you know, most of my street friends are addicted to one or more substances. Take care of yourself first. Much love to you both.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Enigmatic Amor says:

    I feel so much for you. I have been in that exact spot, know the well worn road you’re on. I know you don’t know me at all but I’m here for you as much as any other wife who’s tried everything to stall that same darkness.

    Many hugs and prayers.


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