Today, I wondered about the background music of our life. Maybe because I’m still waiting for Swenny’s plan, I hear none. Two Fridays have come and gone; days spent without help or direction for the care and keeping of him and his addiction. I find myself becoming less worried and more resentful for what seems like his continued disregard for me and our kids.
While running this afternoon, I passed the miles by paying close attention to the lyrics of the songs on my playlist. Trying to make sense through music of this place we find ourselves in yet again. From Supertramp to Alanis Morrisett, nothing spoke to me. Until Fun. whose song Carry On opens with a bottle of wine and a person’s head in the curtains. I can relate to this, I thought. It was the words that came next, though, that made me stop, listen and begin to understand.
“…we are not shining stars
This I know
I never said we are.”
Swenny feels like less…less than he should be, less than he could be. Not a star, but who is? Was his potential once so great that the thought of not living up to it devastated him? From people who have known him longer than I have, years of striving but never attaining took their toll. Until today, I didn’t fully appreciate what he has put himself through in terms of his expectations for himself.
He has told me of his disappointment in himself for his lot in life. I always assumed he was referring to his addiction. Today, for the first time, I understood that his perceived shortfalls aren’t the result of his drinking, but possibly the cause. I realize now that the best thing I can do for him is remind him as often as possible of his value as a husband, father, and friend.
By the time my run ended, the bow was beginning to move across the strings. Soon, the symphony will play. And it will be unforgettable.